A Questioning of Self and Agenda

What material makes suitable performance material?

I really am beginning a soul searching exercise. But how can I search a soul I do not know well enough myself? How do I know myself?

I have this fascination with the unknowable and the space between knowing and not knowing. Where does my inner expression become my outer expression and vice versa. I mean this in both the physical and psychological sense. I have already explored the physical site, the scar as a borderline between the inner and the outer and I am well aware that bodily orifices provide another borderline between the inner and outer. But how do psychological scars and feelings present themselves on the outside?

'In performance you squeeze out yourself you dredge it up from your unconcious. It is a process of giving it a form, from the inner to the outer. The process can not be frivolous but must be deep, a deep commitment to yourself.' (Rachel Rosenthal: The Power of Feminist Art

I am entering what feels like an era of digging and playing or so it seems. Searching for stimuli which will eventually materialize but to make sense of it oh such another volume. The inability to explain. Can I explain? Can anybody explain? How do I begin to explain?

'We have no physicalized forms for mourning - the comfort we need to recieve or give. It's all in our eyes, staring straight ahead, quietly, tearful. We sit like hot stones.' (Carolee Schneeman: 1994-1995)

I am using grief as a performance therapy in order to create a fragment for performance. Memories, letters, songs, images - the things that imprint themselves in the mind. Those specific moments that are attached like tape recordings on repeat.

There is a danger of this becoming too selfish and self-indulgent.

I must make this work relevent to an audience in order to share it as a process.